She thought about loving him and found she did already, in a quiet unassuming place in her heart.  He didn’t even know he existed there though a light shone, the light from heaven.  Many times the earth had spun and took her gentle head around its axis.  The polar stars North and South rocked it back and forth; a celestial lullaby, with her feet on the equator, in the warm fecund pond and her head in the stars.  Little wonder of the vertigo brought on by constant cosmic movement; little wonder there were days when things were never as they seemed.

Like the day she returned to her house and found two pieces of gold confetti where there had been only one in the previous hour.  And the day she returned from college to find her black plastic keyring had changed to white.  And the instructions she wrote in the library books had come to pass over the course of time.  And they thought her social conscience laughable, as if poverty was some sort of self inflicted disease.  She made claims of rising with the phoenix, how their sides hurt, their jaws ached with savage mirth, but not as much as when out of her own ashes the flaming bird ascended.  It is said, humans are not safe, though she is benevolent to all other creatures.

References to mythological creatures lurk in archives, (the ones they keenly protect with the spillage of blood), waiting for a fertile mind to give them life and renewal and immortality.  They made crime from her innocence.  It was their thoughts that polluted hers and they knew she would bay down; their will at the time was stronger.  Hers was that of a trodden leaf, misshapen, yet not destroyed.  Theirs had the leverage of fear, and fleeing for her life is exactly what she did and this made them glad.

Those were the days when Karl Marx was the enemy of state and she’d accessed his book from the communism archive.  Even a seventeen year old history A level student was dangerous with the wrong kind of knowledge at her finger tips.  Years later she still wonders was it her gender or her social class that was most threatening.  Starting a revolution had never entered her head, they need not have lost sleep at night, because she never got passed the first page of Marx’  evil manifesto.  These days there are other enemies of state.  Terrorists who rage a different kind of hatred on Christian capitalism.

Be aware when the telephone makes tapping noises.  Be aware there is somebody else enjoying the latest gossip of conversations.  She had hoped there was somebody out there in the conspiracy lead darkness that valued her life enough to listen to the intricacies of a suspicious mind.  No proof.  No proof.  Speculations of an unstable girl.  Read too many books in the library.  Witnessed too many inexplicable events.  She’s the Phoenix remember and they laugh an uncomfortable laugh.  The only danger is her immortality.  Her flaming words and how they are wafted miraculously on the reincarnating wings of destiny.


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